One Tough Day

 This picture is worth one thousand words... 

I don’t think I’ll actually get to one thousand, but it seems so minuscule compared to all of the feelings I’ve experienced in a short 24 (really, 12) hour day. 

I work in Education. 

Each and everyday, I work to make life better for the youngest members of our society, and their families. I put my heart and soul into making sure their heart is fulfilled, their souls are embraced, and their brains are encouraged to find a fire for learning. Some days are as bright as a 7,000 kw light bulb: filled with beautiful moments of watching a child’s eyes light up with understanding of a concept they’ve discovered. 

While we live for the moments of those days, myself and many other employees of the Education world have found that some days just don’t turn out that way. 

Now I know these feelings aren’t specific to the Education world, but other days, end with that picture up there. An otherwise (self-proclaimed, maybe) tough chick sitting alone on the couch with takeout pizza at 9pm, the same cup of water she packed for work at 7am,  still in her dress clothes, smudged mascara and eyeliner, feeling utterly drained. 

Days like these seem to have come more often than they used to. We’re bogged down with the stress of our current COVID world, we’ve added more concern for the kids we don’t see at school as often/anymore, and those issues don’t even touch the increasing mandates or guidelines imposed by an office-laden state board employee who’s never even stepped foot into a school. 

And what about our own family? The messy house we come home to? The kisses goodnight and the evenings outside we miss out on, to make sure our “work babies” are taken care of?

It’s all so heavy. 

Even my incredibly broad shoulders need a break once in a while. A chance to let them slump downward and drop a few things off the sides. Not stand so tall or look so brave  

I’m lucky to have an awesome staff, be working in a wonderful district, and a phenomenal set of leadership above me... some people don’t have that in their job. I do. I see those positives. 

But it’s still heavy, sometimes. 

Tomorrow will be better. My shoulders will broaden again. I’ll stand tall. I will put on the same school spirit attire I look forward to wearing every Friday. And I’ll walk into school, ready to take on those heavy moments that come as a byproduct of the bright light moments we live for... but please, be kind. Not just to those of us working in Education, and not just on the hard days... to everyone, always. 

Living Under A Rainbow

 Ever felt like you’re living under a rock? Maybe this new “normal” has you feeling trapped in a dark place under the load of something super heavy?

What if we flipped that around and realized we’re living under a rainbow. 

I know, there’s all sorts of things we can dwell on about how much this new “normal” sucks - because I agree, it does. We can sit here and talk about all those warm fuzzy feelings, or find the positive in everyday; hell, we could even review metaphorical ideology for why these bad days are actually “good” - but in reality, it’s often only a temporary change in mindset. 

I watched all day (today) as photos unfolded from two of my favorite places in Iowa showing massive destruction and complete chaos that had been caused by a major storm. Then came the ton of bricks that is a quick (paper) reality check from work that is one minute line on a meeting agenda. Feelings of doubt and self-pity crept in and I found myself feeling like the wind had been taken out of my sails by a giant storm, similar to the one that wreaked havoc all over Iowa. As I was replaying the last 8 weeks in my mind, I looked up on my drive to daycare and I was literally driving directly into a dark, windy, scary, rain cloud. 

I think a lot of us, specifically working Moms that I’ve spoken to, found ourselves in a very strange place mid-March. It felt like our world was crashing down around us. Most of us have never had the opportunity or “luxury” of staying home with our children. Something we may have longed for suddenly occurred, but none of us really had any idea what to do with it. Along with our routine, scheduled days, and busy nights came the swift removal of all that we’d ever known. It was attending Zoom meetings during nap time, trying to keep an ounce of mental clarity to actually contribute to those meetings, and making every attempt at putting up a brave front to make our families feel like everything was “ok”. 

We went from surviving the “mom shame” of being at work nonstop, to feeling guilty that we weren’t at work nonstop - feeling guilty that our friends who are “essential workers” still didn’t have this opportunity - feeling guilty if we still went to work trying to find some sliver of ourselves again - feeling guilty for wanting just one afternoon of staying home in a peaceful, quiet, and maybe even clean house to try and catch our breath. 

All the while, trying to survive the storm, forgetting there will be a rainbow at the end.  

And realizing that we’re living under a rainbow, not a rock, can look different for every person. 

My rainbow? I decided in that storm cloud today that I would not let myself suffer through anymore of this new “normal” we are trying to find. I decided that a return to remote learning won’t define my attitude. I decided that I’ve done all I can to make my work, my family, and my life successful. 

Maybe your rainbow hasn’t shown up yet. Maybe you’re still stuck in the dark, windy, scary rain cloud. Maybe you came out for a moment and went back in. 

That’s ok. It really is. 

Major storms are quick movers. They leave an impression, but they don’t stay long. 

Don’t stay too long in your storm. 

Find your rainbow, wherever it is, whatever it is, and learn to dance in the rain... because it feels so good to wash away the doubt and see the beauty again. 

By The Pale Moon Light

 This moon spoke to me tonight. 

It really did!

Ok, so obviously it wasn’t a conscious conversation with words and rhetorical thoughts being passed back and forth... but it probably spoke to me more than any of those words could have. 

I am a Mom. I am a wife. I am a full time employee. I am a chef. I am a custodian. I am a friend. I am a hugger. I am a boo-boo kisser. I am an ear to listen. I am a disciplinarian. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a Granddaughter (in-law). I am a woman. And I am me. 

All of the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful. I am just that: me. 

Sometimes I get so lost in being all of those first thoughts/positions, that I lose the latter, and sometimes more important, position of just being myself. 

I have changed over the years. I can sometimes change daily. Something even within minutes of an experience or a word that’s been spoken. But never the less, I am me. 

I believe (and know) that I am not alone in feeling a bit lost sometimes. This world is hard. These days are difficult. The hours can feel so long. The changes happen so fast that we can lose our sense of “self” without even realizing it. 

There are days that the smallest thing seems huge. The mundane can be the darkest place for our wild heart and yearning for a piece of “me” can scream louder than one million decibels. 

But we wake up, sometimes just looking up, and realize that we deserve some grace. Just an ounce of forgiveness for feeling so lost and forgetting who “me” is. Reminding ourselves that finding “me” in a pale moon is ok. It’s just fine to be the Mom, wife, employee, chef, custodian, friend, hugger, boo-boo kisser, listener, disciplinarian, daughter, sister, Granddaughter, woman, and everything in between... as long as you can still manage to find the “me” in between. 

So what does it take? For me. It was a pale moon between two grain bins on an evening after working, an esthetician appointment, beautiful sun shining, baking, cleaning, baseball, and a little bit of time with friends. 

Things change. Life changes. And so do we... just take a moment to appreciate the evolution and current position of “me” once in a while along the way. 

Not Sure Where It's Going

Wow... It's been more than a minute since I opened this up to pour my feelings out for the world to see.  And by more than "a minute" I mean one year - it's been more than 12 months since I have blogged.  But with all that is going on in this world, why not start now? Why not come back to what helps me (and hopefully some of you) to rationalize this crazy world we're living in?

I logged on with several things on my mind, but wasn't sure what would come out when my fingers started to move across the keyboard, but all I can think about is how hard this life has become with the state of Covid 19, all of the political posts, everyone feeling far too much freedom to pass judgment on others for decisions they've struggled to make.  What has happened to our world? Who have we become?

Obviously those are rhetorical questions but they have earned a place for deep thought.  I used to love watching the news because it made me feel somewhat connected to the world, reading the newspaper for content, and thumbing through social media as a means of staying "up" on the events I cannot live for the mere fact they are happening apart from where I live.  That yearning for more information, possibly even learning perhaps, is something that I was born with, and I have come to recognize as one of my greatest assets (and biggest detriments).

But the news is no longer appealing.  There are no "feel good" stories.  I'm not seeing content worthy of my time in any newspaper.  I haven't enjoyed social media nearly as much.  And to be completely honest, the thought of giving up anything and everything that's supposed to "share" information has crossed my mind more times than I can count.  

It makes me sad.

We have brought four awesome, righteous, and inquisitive souls into this world.  We welcomed them lovingly into this life knowing that some times will be hard, some will be fun, and they will teach us more about ourselves than we could have ever learned in any classroom, book, or worldly experience. I never understood why people felt scared about bringing children into this world, because I truly feel that our babies can change this world if they want to... but I kind of get it, now.

I don't want to send them to school in masks.  I don't want to have to make a hard decision about where they'll go, who they'll see, or how they will interact with them.  I don't want others passing judgment on their righteous souls because of a decision I was forced to make for them at this point in their life; much less passing judgment for a decision they made for themselves when we have given them the freedom to make that decision.

It's just hard.  

Hard work and hard choices have never scared us, but some of the things we're forced to choose now are harder than we ever anticipated.  They are hard emotionally, physically, mentally, and hard for our family, our marriage, and our lives.  "The living ain't easy" anymore folks.

While it's hard, it has given us such a wonderful chance to step back and come together.  We have had to make those hard decisions as a team.  We've had to lean on each other for help with the hard thoughts, the hard days, and the hard life. We've done it together, and it's made us even more grateful to be together.

All six of us.  In the three bedroom house my husband grew up in.  Together.  All the time (insert frustrated shutter and shiver here because Lord knows we need some space).  We're leaning in, sticking it out, and making it work.  Even when it's hard.

I have tried to remind myself over and over that this is just a season.  One season of life.  It's not our entire life.  It will impact our entire life, but it is not our entire life.  

Someday I will love the news again.  I will enjoy my front porch rocking chair with the newspaper again.  Our kids will embrace their friends, family, and others freely again.  We will feel good about bringing four strong-willed humans into this world again.  And life will go on.  It always does.