Living Under A Rainbow

 Ever felt like you’re living under a rock? Maybe this new “normal” has you feeling trapped in a dark place under the load of something super heavy?

What if we flipped that around and realized we’re living under a rainbow. 

I know, there’s all sorts of things we can dwell on about how much this new “normal” sucks - because I agree, it does. We can sit here and talk about all those warm fuzzy feelings, or find the positive in everyday; hell, we could even review metaphorical ideology for why these bad days are actually “good” - but in reality, it’s often only a temporary change in mindset. 

I watched all day (today) as photos unfolded from two of my favorite places in Iowa showing massive destruction and complete chaos that had been caused by a major storm. Then came the ton of bricks that is a quick (paper) reality check from work that is one minute line on a meeting agenda. Feelings of doubt and self-pity crept in and I found myself feeling like the wind had been taken out of my sails by a giant storm, similar to the one that wreaked havoc all over Iowa. As I was replaying the last 8 weeks in my mind, I looked up on my drive to daycare and I was literally driving directly into a dark, windy, scary, rain cloud. 

I think a lot of us, specifically working Moms that I’ve spoken to, found ourselves in a very strange place mid-March. It felt like our world was crashing down around us. Most of us have never had the opportunity or “luxury” of staying home with our children. Something we may have longed for suddenly occurred, but none of us really had any idea what to do with it. Along with our routine, scheduled days, and busy nights came the swift removal of all that we’d ever known. It was attending Zoom meetings during nap time, trying to keep an ounce of mental clarity to actually contribute to those meetings, and making every attempt at putting up a brave front to make our families feel like everything was “ok”. 

We went from surviving the “mom shame” of being at work nonstop, to feeling guilty that we weren’t at work nonstop - feeling guilty that our friends who are “essential workers” still didn’t have this opportunity - feeling guilty if we still went to work trying to find some sliver of ourselves again - feeling guilty for wanting just one afternoon of staying home in a peaceful, quiet, and maybe even clean house to try and catch our breath. 

All the while, trying to survive the storm, forgetting there will be a rainbow at the end.  

And realizing that we’re living under a rainbow, not a rock, can look different for every person. 

My rainbow? I decided in that storm cloud today that I would not let myself suffer through anymore of this new “normal” we are trying to find. I decided that a return to remote learning won’t define my attitude. I decided that I’ve done all I can to make my work, my family, and my life successful. 

Maybe your rainbow hasn’t shown up yet. Maybe you’re still stuck in the dark, windy, scary rain cloud. Maybe you came out for a moment and went back in. 

That’s ok. It really is. 

Major storms are quick movers. They leave an impression, but they don’t stay long. 

Don’t stay too long in your storm. 

Find your rainbow, wherever it is, whatever it is, and learn to dance in the rain... because it feels so good to wash away the doubt and see the beauty again. 

By The Pale Moon Light

 This moon spoke to me tonight. 

It really did!

Ok, so obviously it wasn’t a conscious conversation with words and rhetorical thoughts being passed back and forth... but it probably spoke to me more than any of those words could have. 

I am a Mom. I am a wife. I am a full time employee. I am a chef. I am a custodian. I am a friend. I am a hugger. I am a boo-boo kisser. I am an ear to listen. I am a disciplinarian. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a Granddaughter (in-law). I am a woman. And I am me. 

All of the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful. I am just that: me. 

Sometimes I get so lost in being all of those first thoughts/positions, that I lose the latter, and sometimes more important, position of just being myself. 

I have changed over the years. I can sometimes change daily. Something even within minutes of an experience or a word that’s been spoken. But never the less, I am me. 

I believe (and know) that I am not alone in feeling a bit lost sometimes. This world is hard. These days are difficult. The hours can feel so long. The changes happen so fast that we can lose our sense of “self” without even realizing it. 

There are days that the smallest thing seems huge. The mundane can be the darkest place for our wild heart and yearning for a piece of “me” can scream louder than one million decibels. 

But we wake up, sometimes just looking up, and realize that we deserve some grace. Just an ounce of forgiveness for feeling so lost and forgetting who “me” is. Reminding ourselves that finding “me” in a pale moon is ok. It’s just fine to be the Mom, wife, employee, chef, custodian, friend, hugger, boo-boo kisser, listener, disciplinarian, daughter, sister, Granddaughter, woman, and everything in between... as long as you can still manage to find the “me” in between. 

So what does it take? For me. It was a pale moon between two grain bins on an evening after working, an esthetician appointment, beautiful sun shining, baking, cleaning, baseball, and a little bit of time with friends. 

Things change. Life changes. And so do we... just take a moment to appreciate the evolution and current position of “me” once in a while along the way.